Have you ever gotten out of bed and thought to yourself, “I can really do something amazing today”? That is how I feel at the moment. Mood swings when you are an artist can be amazing and they can be disastrous! I will admit that there are times when I think to myself “what in the hell am I doing?” There are times when self-doubt will come into play, especially when others are criticizing your work and when they feel like they know what is best for you. Of course, over the years, I have really learned to not listen to these people. I think the doubt comes in when you know there is an easy way out.
The easy way out for me would be to just walk away, get a regular job and just have a normal life. It seems so easy, just go to work 40 hours a week, come home have a beer or two, eat dinner sit in front of the TV and procreate. God that sounds uneventful to me. I’m not knocking anyone who does this, I know it is very common because people do enjoy that type of lifestyle. But it just makes me miserable. This is why I do what I do.
I have to create, I need to be true to myself and I’m not sure if it is fortunately or unfortunately but I am definitely different from most of my friends. I just see the world differently and it is really hard to explain to those who don’t view it the way you do. My own mother always talks about how I (even as a kid) never followed the pack. It just never made sense to me. Sometimes I feel as though I was destined to be an outsider always looking in. But there are different ways to go when you are an outsider. You can rebel, be loud and force your opinion onto others. You can crawl into a corner and just hope someone will eventually notice you, or maybe not notice you. Or you can become a voyeur. I get to watch the world unfold in front of me. I get to watch everything play out like a movie, except it is real life and it is happening now!
Being a voyeur means I get to watch with an unbiased eye and see the intimate side of life. I get to see people’s inner most thoughts play out and they trust me with these valued secrets because I am an outsider. I am their little secret and nobody else knows about it. I am referring to their boudoir photos of course. But being an outsider allows me to not be a part of their regular life, so I will never be an intrusion.
Some people want to belong, some want to be included, I don’t. I like watching from my own vantage point and although I love people and I like social settings, I like it for different reasons. I like to people watch, I love to watch interaction between individuals, body language is a very interesting thing to watch. This is why I love being a photographer, it really just gives me an excuse to be the way I am all of the time! My camera is my key to the world and is my way of getting to know people. Of course, being an outsider and being able to keep a secret, those are also valuable traits. If someone cannot trust you they will not let you in, and if they won’t let you in you are no longer a voyeur, that just makes you a Peeping Tom! 😉